Straight From the Dome

I struggle with showin' too much affection

Will he think I like him if I randomly send him a text to see how he's doing?

Will she think I'm a lesbian because I care for her so much?

You don't know me that well and I don't know you like that

But I'm attracted to the God I see in you

He calls my name and pulls me close every time we converse

I gain so much energy

Redbull ain't got nothing on you

I see deeper into you than you know

Even more than I'd like to

When we depart, I lose kilowatts

This is too much work

My force multiplied by your distance gives you jewels

Precious stones that I can't afford to hand over

This is too much work

I'm fatigue

I struggle with high expectations

I expect a lot from myself

Therefore,

I expect a lot from you

You don't owe me anything and

"I owe you all I have" I tell myself

Becoming a gymnast

I bend over backwards and flip for you

You don't tell me to

I don't even tell myself to

But I put on your BIG shoes

Taking your footsteps

I subconsciously become you ...

in my mind,

I think your thoughts:

"I'd want Sabrina to do this for me.

Don't worry, she'll do it

She's a people-pleaser

She will do whatever you need her to do

She doesn't want you to struggle

Go 'head

Ask her to go out her way for you

She'll do that...

And some other things too

Last week I asked her to chauffeur me around

'Cause I don't have a car

Giirrrrllll, she didn't even ask for gas money

She's a pushover"

I ask myself, "Why am I this way?"

Like being invited to church only to find a bunch of hypocrites,

the answer is disappointing

This is too much work

I'm fatigue

I struggle with quiet pride

See, I'll go out of my way for you

But don't you dare try to do the same for me

I'll let my momma do it,

'Cause she's been doing it for years

Still, slowly but shortly,

I'm weaning off her breast milk

"I gotta become this strong, independent woman," I tell myself

I gotta learn how to do this thing...

Living by myself dependent on no one but God Almighty Himself

"But doesn't He work through the people around us?" I ask myself

"Answering your prayers, supplying your needs through His creation..."

I'm selfish...

That's why I struggle with quiet pride

Let others have the chance to give

The best feeling in the world is to see someone's face light up as they

Open a gift you have given them

Why continue to rob people of this joy?

I just don't wanna seem needy

So how do I change?

To The Extreme!!!!!!!

I'm sorry ya'll, but today, this blog will serve as my journal/diary. I feel the need to express some things that are weighing heavy on my heart. Striving to become a woman who pleases God is painstakingly difficult! One of the requirements include a lot of self-evaluation. I'm constantly forced to evaluate myself. It is not something that I choose to do anymore. It has definitely become something that MUST be done, especially for someone who structures and organizes information according to her FEELINGS! Oh God, sometimes I want to ask you why you made me this way??? It is EXTREMELY hard for me to make decisions against my heart. My heart and I are intertwined in a unique way. Although, in my mind, I totally understand logic and reasoning, beneficial and unrewarding, good and bad...etc., all my conclusions are reached based on my values. And my values stem from my adhesive heart. Clinging like singing ornaments on a Christmas tree, this personality trait can either beautify me or be just plain old ANNOYING!!!!!! Jeremiah says it best:

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9-10)

My heart is schizophrenic. It has afforded me much joy in my 25 years of living. On the flip side, it has also enticed me along a path leading to unhappiness, forcing me to put a Masterlock around it, suppressing my arteries until nothingness was the only thing that flowed from my heart to my body. An attack on my heart was the cause of all of this. I was a DEAD person for a long time because of this. I don't wanna die again. But if I don't start understanding heart soon...

I'm just afraid to die again. The temptation is too near. It knocks on my heart's open door every time someone takes advantage of my kindness and love. That door has two options:

1) Stay open and be pure, welcoming the malignancy that enters and tries to taint the substances within or;

2) Close and KEEP EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE OUT!!!!!!

I don't want to die another death. I don't want to be an extremist anymore. I don't want the door to be wide open all the time. Add to my heart a screen door, so I can see who is at the door before they come in. Lord, my heart says of you, "Seek His face!" Your face Lord, I will seek (Psalm 27:8). My discerning heart seeks wisdom from You! Weigh my heart Lord with every decision/conclusion I make in my daily walk. Give me insight to draw out the purposes of my heart in relation to your Word. I'll continue striving to apply my heart to your teachings. But please relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish by protect my heart from malignancy, 'cause you know I am not able to guard it myself. I don't want to act in blind kindness anymore. Equip me with spiritual bifocals so I may see through the dichotomy between my feelings and appropriate actions. Keep my heart off lockdown, so I can continue to pour it out to You.

In Jesus' name... Amen.