To The Extreme!!!!!!!

I'm sorry ya'll, but today, this blog will serve as my journal/diary. I feel the need to express some things that are weighing heavy on my heart. Striving to become a woman who pleases God is painstakingly difficult! One of the requirements include a lot of self-evaluation. I'm constantly forced to evaluate myself. It is not something that I choose to do anymore. It has definitely become something that MUST be done, especially for someone who structures and organizes information according to her FEELINGS! Oh God, sometimes I want to ask you why you made me this way??? It is EXTREMELY hard for me to make decisions against my heart. My heart and I are intertwined in a unique way. Although, in my mind, I totally understand logic and reasoning, beneficial and unrewarding, good and bad...etc., all my conclusions are reached based on my values. And my values stem from my adhesive heart. Clinging like singing ornaments on a Christmas tree, this personality trait can either beautify me or be just plain old ANNOYING!!!!!! Jeremiah says it best:

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9-10)

My heart is schizophrenic. It has afforded me much joy in my 25 years of living. On the flip side, it has also enticed me along a path leading to unhappiness, forcing me to put a Masterlock around it, suppressing my arteries until nothingness was the only thing that flowed from my heart to my body. An attack on my heart was the cause of all of this. I was a DEAD person for a long time because of this. I don't wanna die again. But if I don't start understanding heart soon...

I'm just afraid to die again. The temptation is too near. It knocks on my heart's open door every time someone takes advantage of my kindness and love. That door has two options:

1) Stay open and be pure, welcoming the malignancy that enters and tries to taint the substances within or;

2) Close and KEEP EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE OUT!!!!!!

I don't want to die another death. I don't want to be an extremist anymore. I don't want the door to be wide open all the time. Add to my heart a screen door, so I can see who is at the door before they come in. Lord, my heart says of you, "Seek His face!" Your face Lord, I will seek (Psalm 27:8). My discerning heart seeks wisdom from You! Weigh my heart Lord with every decision/conclusion I make in my daily walk. Give me insight to draw out the purposes of my heart in relation to your Word. I'll continue striving to apply my heart to your teachings. But please relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish by protect my heart from malignancy, 'cause you know I am not able to guard it myself. I don't want to act in blind kindness anymore. Equip me with spiritual bifocals so I may see through the dichotomy between my feelings and appropriate actions. Keep my heart off lockdown, so I can continue to pour it out to You.

In Jesus' name... Amen.