High Cost of Covetousness

I wrote this poem back in February of '09. Apparently, I was struggling with covetousness. Thank God for growth!

Is it worth it?

But it'll be so sweet

When I'm rockin' those Coach shoes on my feet

You only live once

So mind as well live it up, I say

But how do you suppose I do that in a Godly way?

Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial

I say,

It is a benefit...@least to me

To have the material things I desire

Even if that means I burn my pockets down to the last thread

Ain't like I'm robbing God of His

And I'm single...don't have no kids

So why can't I spoil me?

Ain't I worth it?

Maybe I'm missing the point

Have to be because something doesn't feel right

The Alphabet

I wrote this poem back in February after reading about the ancient Egyptian language:

Hieroglyphics

Like a slave, you read it

But I feed it

To you like an Egyptian

No way to eat it

Characters of the TOO many

So I rebus you tourist back to the foundation

Look...then sound it out

If only it were that simple

The modern type makes things that way

But really it's a puzzle

So complex

Makes one vexed

Put on your thinkin' cap

Use that hex-a-gonal sense

It's a trip

Let's take this ride

Nah, let's go home

First, get the key

Now we can roam back to 1799

Take this expedition

'Til we find Rosetta Stone

Inconvenience

Have you eva prayed a prayer of inconvenience?

Like Stephen before laying in eternal rest prayed to the Lord not to count the sins against the Sanhedrin members who stoned him to death

Like Paul prayed for the Christians to grow spiritually and know God's will

While he suffered for proclaiming the gospel

Imprisoned

Behind bars of steel

How about praying like Jesus?

A "Not my will, but Yours be done" while dying for every sinner kinda prayer

A prayer that causes your body to collapse,

Your knees to shake,

Your face to tense up,

Oceans to form from your teary eyes,

Red seas to climb mountains from the blood you sweat

A "God do something great and I'm here if you need me" kinda prayer

A "Here I Am, Send Me" kinda prayer

See, it's too hard for us to fathom inconvenience because...

The world tells us to "Do you"

Whatever makes you happy

Whatever makes you feel good

Whatever makes you comfortable

Equals the right thing to do

"Follow your heart"

"Follow your feelings"

This jacked up mindset is the reason why:

50% (so they say) of marriages end in divorce

Why,

1 in 4 sexually active teens are infected with an STD every year

Why,

Nearly 1 million teenage girls become pregnant each year

This is why our boys like boys and our girls like girls

But they say us Gen Y folk are supposed to be more open-minded and demanding of change,

Similar to our African-American forefathers

But I say, nothing will change unless we welcome inconvenience

Without inconvenience, we do what we think we wanna do when its really not what we wanna do but what we hate to do

You feel me?

Do you understand that the only kingdom that will prevail in this world is the kingdom that is not of this world?

Welcomin' inconvenience is welcoming a magnet that creates a force field pushin' electrons through your mental membranes causing you to attract distant people who need inconvenience as well

This magnet attraction forces not your will, but the will of God to be done.

Regardless if you welcome Him or not,

There will be a time when you will witness inconvenience

Who is inconvenience?

The Holy Spirit, the believer's mind control

Straight From the Dome

I struggle with showin' too much affection

Will he think I like him if I randomly send him a text to see how he's doing?

Will she think I'm a lesbian because I care for her so much?

You don't know me that well and I don't know you like that

But I'm attracted to the God I see in you

He calls my name and pulls me close every time we converse

I gain so much energy

Redbull ain't got nothing on you

I see deeper into you than you know

Even more than I'd like to

When we depart, I lose kilowatts

This is too much work

My force multiplied by your distance gives you jewels

Precious stones that I can't afford to hand over

This is too much work

I'm fatigue

I struggle with high expectations

I expect a lot from myself

Therefore,

I expect a lot from you

You don't owe me anything and

"I owe you all I have" I tell myself

Becoming a gymnast

I bend over backwards and flip for you

You don't tell me to

I don't even tell myself to

But I put on your BIG shoes

Taking your footsteps

I subconsciously become you ...

in my mind,

I think your thoughts:

"I'd want Sabrina to do this for me.

Don't worry, she'll do it

She's a people-pleaser

She will do whatever you need her to do

She doesn't want you to struggle

Go 'head

Ask her to go out her way for you

She'll do that...

And some other things too

Last week I asked her to chauffeur me around

'Cause I don't have a car

Giirrrrllll, she didn't even ask for gas money

She's a pushover"

I ask myself, "Why am I this way?"

Like being invited to church only to find a bunch of hypocrites,

the answer is disappointing

This is too much work

I'm fatigue

I struggle with quiet pride

See, I'll go out of my way for you

But don't you dare try to do the same for me

I'll let my momma do it,

'Cause she's been doing it for years

Still, slowly but shortly,

I'm weaning off her breast milk

"I gotta become this strong, independent woman," I tell myself

I gotta learn how to do this thing...

Living by myself dependent on no one but God Almighty Himself

"But doesn't He work through the people around us?" I ask myself

"Answering your prayers, supplying your needs through His creation..."

I'm selfish...

That's why I struggle with quiet pride

Let others have the chance to give

The best feeling in the world is to see someone's face light up as they

Open a gift you have given them

Why continue to rob people of this joy?

I just don't wanna seem needy

So how do I change?

To The Extreme!!!!!!!

I'm sorry ya'll, but today, this blog will serve as my journal/diary. I feel the need to express some things that are weighing heavy on my heart. Striving to become a woman who pleases God is painstakingly difficult! One of the requirements include a lot of self-evaluation. I'm constantly forced to evaluate myself. It is not something that I choose to do anymore. It has definitely become something that MUST be done, especially for someone who structures and organizes information according to her FEELINGS! Oh God, sometimes I want to ask you why you made me this way??? It is EXTREMELY hard for me to make decisions against my heart. My heart and I are intertwined in a unique way. Although, in my mind, I totally understand logic and reasoning, beneficial and unrewarding, good and bad...etc., all my conclusions are reached based on my values. And my values stem from my adhesive heart. Clinging like singing ornaments on a Christmas tree, this personality trait can either beautify me or be just plain old ANNOYING!!!!!! Jeremiah says it best:

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9-10)

My heart is schizophrenic. It has afforded me much joy in my 25 years of living. On the flip side, it has also enticed me along a path leading to unhappiness, forcing me to put a Masterlock around it, suppressing my arteries until nothingness was the only thing that flowed from my heart to my body. An attack on my heart was the cause of all of this. I was a DEAD person for a long time because of this. I don't wanna die again. But if I don't start understanding heart soon...

I'm just afraid to die again. The temptation is too near. It knocks on my heart's open door every time someone takes advantage of my kindness and love. That door has two options:

1) Stay open and be pure, welcoming the malignancy that enters and tries to taint the substances within or;

2) Close and KEEP EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE OUT!!!!!!

I don't want to die another death. I don't want to be an extremist anymore. I don't want the door to be wide open all the time. Add to my heart a screen door, so I can see who is at the door before they come in. Lord, my heart says of you, "Seek His face!" Your face Lord, I will seek (Psalm 27:8). My discerning heart seeks wisdom from You! Weigh my heart Lord with every decision/conclusion I make in my daily walk. Give me insight to draw out the purposes of my heart in relation to your Word. I'll continue striving to apply my heart to your teachings. But please relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish by protect my heart from malignancy, 'cause you know I am not able to guard it myself. I don't want to act in blind kindness anymore. Equip me with spiritual bifocals so I may see through the dichotomy between my feelings and appropriate actions. Keep my heart off lockdown, so I can continue to pour it out to You.

In Jesus' name... Amen.

He deserves to have a BIG Ego...'cause He is just that AMAZING!!!

While I was searching for techniques to help me come up with a prolific poem, I ran across some poetry. One poem I found is by Nikki Giovanni. Although I may need to go back to the history books to fully understand and appreciate the first part of the poem, I think her stimulative writing is out of this world! I had to post this! Made me think about how marvelous God is. A God that amazing deserves to have a BIG ego!!!!!!!!!

Ego Tripping (there may be a reason why)

By: Nikki Giovanni

I was born in the Congo

I walked to the fertile crescent and built

the sphinx

I designed a pyramid so tough that a star

that only glows every one hundred years falls

into the center giving divine perfect light

I am bad

I sat on the throne

drinking nectar with Allah

I got hot and sent an ice age to Europe

to cool my thirst

My oldest daughter is nefertiti

the tears from my birth pains

created the Nile

I am a beautiful woman

I gazed on the forest and burned

out the Sahara desert

with a packet of goat's meat

and a change of clothes

I crossed it in two hours

I am a gazelle so swift

so swift you can't catch me

For a birthday present when he was three

I gave my son Hannibal an elephant

He gave me Rome for mother's day

My strength flows ever on

My son Noah built new/ark and

I stood proudly at the helm

as we sailed on a soft summer day

I turned myself into myself and was

Jesus

men intone my loving name

All praises All praises

I am the one who would save

I sowed diamonds in my back yard

My bowels deliver uranium

the filings from my fingernails are

semi-precious jewels

On a trip north

I caught a cold and blew

My nose giving oil to the arab world

I am so hip even my errors are correct

I sailed west to reach east and had to round off

the earth as I went

The hair from my head thinned and gold was laid

across three continents

I am so perfect so divine so ethereal so surreal

I cannot be comprehended except by my permission

I mean...I...can fly

like a bird in the sky...

Straight From the Dome

The Shepherd

Let me be your sheep

I'll follow you wherever you go

Fragile and weak I am

Yet, Pure and Holy is what I wanna be

To attempt to walk this narrow path independent of Thee

Is to set myself up for an assured defeat

Let me be apart of the flock you feed

I'm hungry too

Don't let me die of starvation

... I NEED You