To The Extreme!!!!!!!

I'm sorry ya'll, but today, this blog will serve as my journal/diary. I feel the need to express some things that are weighing heavy on my heart. Striving to become a woman who pleases God is painstakingly difficult! One of the requirements include a lot of self-evaluation. I'm constantly forced to evaluate myself. It is not something that I choose to do anymore. It has definitely become something that MUST be done, especially for someone who structures and organizes information according to her FEELINGS! Oh God, sometimes I want to ask you why you made me this way??? It is EXTREMELY hard for me to make decisions against my heart. My heart and I are intertwined in a unique way. Although, in my mind, I totally understand logic and reasoning, beneficial and unrewarding, good and bad...etc., all my conclusions are reached based on my values. And my values stem from my adhesive heart. Clinging like singing ornaments on a Christmas tree, this personality trait can either beautify me or be just plain old ANNOYING!!!!!! Jeremiah says it best:

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9-10)

My heart is schizophrenic. It has afforded me much joy in my 25 years of living. On the flip side, it has also enticed me along a path leading to unhappiness, forcing me to put a Masterlock around it, suppressing my arteries until nothingness was the only thing that flowed from my heart to my body. An attack on my heart was the cause of all of this. I was a DEAD person for a long time because of this. I don't wanna die again. But if I don't start understanding heart soon...

I'm just afraid to die again. The temptation is too near. It knocks on my heart's open door every time someone takes advantage of my kindness and love. That door has two options:

1) Stay open and be pure, welcoming the malignancy that enters and tries to taint the substances within or;

2) Close and KEEP EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE OUT!!!!!!

I don't want to die another death. I don't want to be an extremist anymore. I don't want the door to be wide open all the time. Add to my heart a screen door, so I can see who is at the door before they come in. Lord, my heart says of you, "Seek His face!" Your face Lord, I will seek (Psalm 27:8). My discerning heart seeks wisdom from You! Weigh my heart Lord with every decision/conclusion I make in my daily walk. Give me insight to draw out the purposes of my heart in relation to your Word. I'll continue striving to apply my heart to your teachings. But please relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish by protect my heart from malignancy, 'cause you know I am not able to guard it myself. I don't want to act in blind kindness anymore. Equip me with spiritual bifocals so I may see through the dichotomy between my feelings and appropriate actions. Keep my heart off lockdown, so I can continue to pour it out to You.

In Jesus' name... Amen.

Straight From the Dome

The Shepherd

Let me be your sheep

I'll follow you wherever you go

Fragile and weak I am

Yet, Pure and Holy is what I wanna be

To attempt to walk this narrow path independent of Thee

Is to set myself up for an assured defeat

Let me be apart of the flock you feed

I'm hungry too

Don't let me die of starvation

... I NEED You

Valentine's Day

For the past couple of weeks, I've been pondering a lot of issues that surround Valentine's Day. I actually meant to post a message on Valentine's Day, but didn't have enough time to do so. But anyway, most often, on V-Day, many (especially those of us who are single) tend to yearn for attention, affection... love. For that single day, many are left depressed and melancholy because out of all the days in the year, on this day, they EXPECT to be shown some form of love.

This state of mind is so selfish and opens up the door of cupidity. Honestly, the most common form of love being expressed on V-Day is "eros". Eros is the love of pleasure. It's a selfish type of love. Most likely, the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about this form of love is "lust, sex...etc". But the fact is, eros is bigger than sex. It's actually a form of idolatry. This self-gratifying love is not the form of love that promotes spiritual growth. In fact, it's a hindrance on such. It's the type of love that feeds off feelings of lust and strong sensual passion. Meaningful relationships cannot be build off eros. Eros is based solely on circumstances and situation.

Clearly, we were made to love- to love one another, to love LOVE, in fact, because God is love. But what type of love is God? Is God eros? philia? storge? or agape love? I think it is safe to say without further explanation that God is not eros love. But what about the other three? Let's see:

Philia love is the love of friends. Well you can say, "Jesus considered those who followed His command as friends"(John 15:13-14). This is true. The Bible does read, "Greater love has no one than this...to lay down one's life for one's friends. However, Jesus' purpose for laying down His life on the cross was to save us sinners. No one in the world is worthy of the love shown by God. This undeserving love is something greater than a friendship love. This love is greater than parent-to-child love (storge). But like a mother's affection and a father's protection, that instinctual love is there. But it is SO much more than that.

To respond in love through difficult situations; to genuinely care or show concern for, regardless of the treatment you may receive in return; to love selflessly- this is AGAPE love. Like in Luke 6:35, the love you should have toward your enemies; a compassionate love. This is the love of God!!!!

So what form of love do you possess? What form do you think you should possess?

Leaving My Baggage Behind

I went to church today and the sermon was about forgiveness. Forgiveness, forgive, forgiven... as the different forms of the word orbited my mental, I begin to think about the emotions driven by forgiveness or lack thereof. The anger, the bitterness, the hatred, the hostility, all caused by the hurt, the harm, the abuse, the pain.

Sometimes it's hard to forgive, especially when your heart has been trampled over time after time, over and over again. Even if it has been trampled over only once, the resulting pain can be so laborious that your outlook on life can be completely altered. Deep hurt does not easily lend itself to forgiveness.

I once knew a young, naive girl who learned to love without fully understanding its meaning. It took her a long while, but she eventually entrusted someone with her most prized possession... her heart. She thought she had something special, but was too inexperienced to see that she didn't. Her faithfulness was taken for granted. The commonly accepted connection she shared with that someone became something she refused to continue. As a result, the connection later become a distance memory. She packed up her "things", put them in her suitcase and bounced up outta there!

No soon later, another opportunity to connect presented itself to her. This time would be different. This new someone begged and pleaded for her heart, yet she was unable to give it. So instead, she presented herself as a "strong, independent" woman. She appreciated the connection they had, but was too apprehensive to go too far. One thing lead to another, she ended up packing her "things", putting them in her suitcase and bouncing up outta there!

She couldn't take this any longer, but she was willing to cling TIGHT to the pieces of her broken heart. Until one day, a gentle Spirit spoke to her telling her to let it go. "Give your heart to me. I know what to do with it. Trust me," he said. Shaking her head in disbelief, she said, "Nah...man. I don't trust you". For years, He continued to speak those gentle words to her in His still small voice until she finally gave in.

The healing process slowly began. The anger, the bitterness, and the hatred was soon replaced with forgiveness and love. Everyday, she is re-energized because of the love she now receives. She finally put her heart in the right set of hands, leaving her suitcase at the foot of the cross.

It takes a lot of energy to hate someone. While you're spending all that energy hating that person, he or she is continuing to enjoying their life. It's like this, think of how many times we have lied to God and treated Him undeservingly. Yet, in spite of all the negative, evil, unGodly things we have done, He forgives us. So, let it go. Leave that baggage behind and give your heart to the Father.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matt. 11:28-30)